StripperTastic
by Undercooked
Summary: Completely crack. What will happen when Diva's chevaliers get ridiculously bored and decide to create their very own reality show? What exactly DOES stripper-tastic mean? Probably M at some point or another, T for now. Un-betaed. INDEFINATELY DISCONTINUED
1. Prolouge

**STRIPPER-TASTIC**

by Undercooked

Disclaimer: If I owned Blood , Saya would definately be more stripper-tastic. But I don't. Sad.

**PROLOUGE**

"Why is every man in the vicinity, of, let's say, THE WORLD, attracted to Saya? I mean, I'm GAY for God's sake, and even I'm feeling her gravitational pull." said the man in the purple shirt and the cowboy boots.

"You know, Nathan, you look like a PMS-ing cow on crack dressed you." observed Karl, whose outfit wasn't much better.

"It's because she's stripper-tastic." offered a humorously deep and scary voice from the other end of the room.

"Stripper-tastic?!" asked Nathan. "Even I, being so awesomely OUT OF THE CLOSET, cannot use that word without being slightly ashamed of myself. Where did you get it?"

"I made it up. I have a lot of spare time to do evil things." the deep, evil voice replied.

"Like making up semi-amusing words is evil?" snorted Karl. "You wanna see evil? Watch 'I Love New York.' That bitch is EVIL!" New York appeared in a thought bubble beside his head and bitch-slapped him.

"Talk to my momma, bitch!" she screamed. New York's UGLY old mother appeared beside her.

"Ima name you Rapunzel 'cuz yo hair is so girly." the old woman said, snapping her fingers. The gay man boredly shot the thought bubble into submission.

"Ha. Rapunzel." he snickered, tossing the gun over his shoulder, where it disappeared into the Anime Dead Zone. All the random props that someone sets down and never seems to pick back up, all the clothing mysteriously ripped into shreds and never mourned, all exist in the Anime Dead Zone. But that's not our main focus right now.

"Nothing is funny." said a black man in a uniform, his voice a hideously boring monotone.

"Yes, James." sighed Nathan. "NOTHING is funny because your African-American brothers are being oppressed. We KNOW."

"I agree with Amshel!" Solomon cried passionately. "Saya is stripper-tastic!"

"So we've reached a decision." said the deep, scary voice. "America's Next Top Model is...Nathan."

"Oh, yay! It's always been my dream to become a model!" squealed Nathan, jumping up and down.

"No, no. I was just screwing with you." the evil voice snickered. "That's SO much fun."

"Hey, you know what?" said Solomon. "You're kind of old, Amshel."

"Thanks. I try." said the evil voic dryly.

"You know what we should totally do?" asked Karl suddenly, his eyes wide.

"What?" asked everyone in unison, exept James, who yelled,

"Segregation is still alive!"

"We should totally make our own T.V. show! A reality show! Where everyone competes to be the most...stripper-tastic!" Karl cried. "We have enough money and a RIDICULOUS amount of time! We should soooooo do it!"

"That's a good evil dedication." said Amshel, stepping out from the shadows.

"You know, you are kind of old." mused Nathan.

"Oh, yeah, I know. Totally not as evil as you'd expect him to look." Karl agreed.

"Shut. Up." sighed Amshel.

And so it began.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I have done no owning of le Blood +.

**CHAPTER 1**

"Now it's time to pick our contestants." said Karl, picking up a remote and flipping on the T.V. The screen was blue.

"Okay, who took the VCR?" Karl yelled. Everyone assembled behind him looked innocent. Nathan sneezed.

"IT WAS YOU!" screamed Karl, jabbing his finger at him.

"No, no I just sneezed!" Nathan cried defensively.

MILES AND MILES AWAY

"I hate to question your judgement, Saya, but how is stealing their VCR going to inhibit them in any way?" Haji said.

"It's what David said to do, and we generally trust him, even though I'm not sure why..." Saya said, lugging the VCR by its cord down the highway.

EVEN FARTHER AWAY

"I wish they would HURRY UP!" David cried.

"David, why didn't you just buy the DVD? We HAVE a DVD player!" Lewis said, in all his Jamaican-ness.

"They don't sell Care-Bears on DVD!" David whined. "Where ARE they?"

BACK A FEW THOUSAND MILES

"Okay, I know ONE of you took the VCR...now we just have to find out who." said Karl, narrowing his eyes and dramatically dropping a game box onto the table.

"...Clue?" asked James. "Is this any way to be spending our time when a black child is being mistreated somewhere?"

Everyone ignored him. Karl slowly drew the lid off the box, saying,

"I know someone here committed this heinous crime, and I will. Find. Out."

TWO HOURS OF FAMILY FUN LATER

"It was Mrs. Peacock in the Study with the Candlestick!" cried Karl.

"How do you kill someone with a candlestick?" wondered Solomon.

"Oh, very simply." began Amshel, before heading off on a long speech about murder with a candle-holding implement.

"Mrs. Pea-COCK. Hee, hee." thought Nathan, giggling behind his hand.

"Sooooo...do we know who did it?" yelled Solomon over Amshel.

"...and you could smash them repeatedly in the head..."

"YES! Who IS this Mrs. Peacock, and where does she live?" Karl asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Why don't I just go buy a VCR?" asked Solomon tiredly, as Nathan burst into hysterical laughter at the mention of 'Mrs. Peacock' and Amshel said,

"...or crush their larynx..."

"Okay." Karl agreed with a shrug, as the Clue board disappeared into the Anime Dead Zone.

ONE TRIP TO WAL-MART LATER

"NOW it's time to pick our contestants." Karl said, flipping on the T.V. again. The screen was blue. Karl began to froth at the mouth.

"It's okay! It's just unplugged!" cried Solomon hastily, plugging the VCR in. Immediately, the video loaded into the VCR began to play.

"Hi, my name is Brittany, and I'm from California!" cried a ridiculously blonde, young female.

"Fast forward!" yelled Karl, pressing the button.

"Hello, my name is Keith. I'm an ex-convict and, in my humble opinion, I'm very stripper-tastic." drawled a huge, tattooed man.

"FAST FORWARD!" yelled Karl, fumbling in his haste to press the button.

"Greetings. I am an extraterrestrial." said a skinny, solemn man with glasses and a Star Trek t-shirt.

"Fast forward!" they all cried in unison, punching the button.

"'Ello, my name eez Van Argiano, and I am very stripper-tasteek!" called a familiar, French-accented voice from the television.

"HOLY SHIT!!" shrieked Karl, stabbing the fast forward button.

"Maybe this is a BAD idea." Solomon suggested.

"Well DUH." Nathan drawled. "It was KARL'S idea. I'm off to paint each and every one of my nails a different color!!" He skipped away merrily in his cowboy boots.

"NO!" Karl cried passionately. "I KNOW this is a good idea! We just have to approach it in a new way..."

"Such as...?" asked Amshel.

"Shut up, old man, or I'll out you in a nursing home." Karl snapped.

"Unfaaair!" whined Solomon. "I wanted to put him in a nursing home!"

"I'm not THAT old...am I?" asked Amshel, sounding hurt.

"Yes, you are." said a voice from behind them all.

"Ohhhh...heyyy, girl!" Karl called in a falsely nonchalant tone. "We were just doin' some evil shit."

"Evil shit is what we do." Solomon agreed.

"Totally evil shit." Amshel threw in.

"BLACK PRIDE!" James cried, pumping his fists in the air.

"I feel preeeetty!" Nathan sang from somewhere out of sight.

"WHY, oh WHY did I make you IDIOTS immortal?" wondered Diva aloud, shaking her head.

"Because you liiiike us?" wheedled Karl, wiggling his eyebrows.

"NO, I DO NOT like you." Diva replied, bitch slapping him.

"Keep your pimp hand strong, Diva!!" Solomon cheered. The room paused.

"...What?" Diva asked. Solomon shrugged.

"I heard it in a movie." he said in a small voice. Everyone shook their heads in unison and sighed.

"Okay, guys, hit the showers. You've reached the daily peak of your stupidity." Diva sighed. They all walked off, muttering to themselves.

Diva turned on the T.V, and, surprise, surprise, there were the auditions.

She had a nasty thought.

She smiled.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: What do I not own? BLOOD +!! Also, I don't actually own the word stripper-tastic. My friend came up with it, so all the credit goes to him whether he wants it or not.

**CHAPTER 2**

It was Saturday morning, and that meant cartoons. Yu-Gi-Oh blared from the large television while the sadly intellectually lacking chevaliers sat in front of it.

"Hey, Solomon, you're missing that weird girl totally freaking out on that evil guy about friendship!" yelled Karl, who was in his Scooby-Doo footsie pajamas.

"I don't watch Yu-Gi-Oh anymore." Solomon replied superiorly. "I've upgraded to Pokemon."

"And that's such an improvement." sighed Diva, who was slightly disgusted by her chevaliers cartoon fetish.

After the morning ritual ended, the chevaliers reluctantly changed out of their highly embarrassing pajamas and decided to seize the day.

"Okay, guys. Last one to go cuckoo gets the Cocoa Puffs." said Karl, his eyes shifting around the table as he placed a box of Cocoa Puffs in the middle of the table.

They all stared at each other intensely as they waited for someone to go cuckoo.

"I got money on Nathan!" Diva yelled from another room.

The intense intensity was intensifying. The intensely intense intensification was becoming too intensely intense. So much intense intensity was intensely intensifying to such a level where there was nothing but the most intensely intense intensity filling the intensely intense room.

"I'M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!" shouted Solomon, beginning to bounce off the walls in humanly impossible ways. He crashed through a wall and gave the old lady who lived next door a stroke.

"You lose, Diva!" Karl yelled.

"Damn!" Diva yelled back. "I'm not paying you."

"But--"

"Remember my friend Oscar Meyer?" Diva called evilly. Karl gulped and shut up at the horrific memory of the terrible lunchmeats.

"I'M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!" Nathan suddenly shrieked, bouncing off the walls in the same fashion as Solomon. He flew through the window and straight into the driver's side window of a police car.

"We've got a psycho hyped up on PCP here." the police officer inhabiting the car said into his radio.

"So THAT'S what they put in Cocoa Puffs..." Nathan mused.

SOMEWHERE IN CUBA...

"No! No, I tell ya, I had nothing to do with it! It musta been Lucky! Or Count Chocula! I DID NOT lace the Cocoa Puffs with PCP!" Sunny the psychotic bird cried, struggling as he was lead away by the police.

"Tell it to the judge." one of them said in a bad Cuban accent.

"Rob, give it up." sighed Juan. "You'll never be Cuban." Rob hung his head and sighed.

BACK IN THE INCOGNITO HIDEOUT OF OUR DEAR CHEVALIERS

Karl, Amshel, and James were now locked in a battle for the Cocoa Puffs. They glared at each other with such intense intensity -- oh, nevermind. It was real damn intense, okay?

Just then, Saya walked in.

"Hey, guys! I came to give you your VCR back. David must have watched Care-Bears eighty times..." she said cheerfully, depositing the VCR on the floor by the door. "Oh, are those Cocoa Puffs? Yummy!"

She walked over, snatched up the box of Cocoa Puffs, and began to munch. Karl burst into tears.

"Um...heyyyy...aren't you our mortal enemy?" Amshel asked tentatively.

"Only every other week." Saya replied. "This week is our week off."

"Then we can devote our energy to helping to free all the oppressed African-Americans!" cried James.

"...You know, that's getting old. Fast." Karl sniffed, glaring at him and wiping his eyes.

"I think there's medicine he could take." suggested Saya. Suddenly, an idea dawned on Karl.

"Hey, Saya? Want to be on our new T.V show? It's called Stripper-Tastic!" he asked.

"Why the hell not?" Saya shrugged, absorbed in her Cocoa Puffs.

"No friggin' fair!" Diva yelled, running in. "That ruins my totally evil sub-plot!"

"Ooooo, sorry." Karl flinched.

"You know, she really should send us memos on these things." Amshel mused. "She can't just have an evil sub-plot without us."

"Amshel." Diva said, patting his cheek. "It's time to let go." Nathan began to play a violin, leaning through the window that he had shattered.

"I wish for you all to die slowly and painfully." Diva said, smiling sweetly. "And after you're all dead, I will bathe in your blood and dance on your graves."

"That should SO go on a greeting card!" Saya said excitedly.

"I knooow! I was thinking of starting my own line!" Diva said, grinning.

"What was the plot again?" Karl asked, looking confused. Solomon, who had magically reappeared in the kitchen, patted him on the shoulder.

"None of us are exactly sure at this point." he said, shaking his head.

SOMEWHERE...ELSE

"I...I'm having an emotional dilemma again." Julia said quietly.

"Can't we just put a plastic bag over her head and put her out of her misery?" David sighed.

"Hey, mon! You're ruining da sub-plot!" Lewis scolded.

"What sub-plot?" David asked.

"Da sub-plot of LOVE!" Lewis said. "Now go help dat woman not asphyxiate herself!"

"Well...this was a pointless deviation from the plot." a small dust mite sitting on the carpet pointed out.

"Well, you have to have something other than crack shit about Cocoa Puffs and sub-plots in a fic, I guess." another dust mite sighed.

"It's dusty in here! I'm going to go get the vaccum!" David said, skipping off to the magical world of the broom closet.

"Fred?" said the first dust mite.

"Yes?" the second one asked.

"I've always loved you." the first dust mite sniffed.


	4. Chapter 3

WARNING -- This chapter abuses Haji to an extreme. DO NOT read if you are squeamish to this poor little emo dude's pain.

Disclaimer: Q -- Do I own Blood +? A -- Not a chance in hell.

**CHAPTER 3**

"Do you know how to work a camera?" asked Karl, looking sheepish.

"To some extent..." Solomon replied warily.

"Well, can you make this one work for me?" Karl asked, depositing a lump of smoking plastic in Solomon's lap.

"What the holy hell did you DO to it?!" Solomon asked, in shock.

"Well it was fine until I went sky-diving with it and dropped it into a volcano and then the volcano erupted and it came back out, and then Bigfoot ate it, but then he spit it back up, and then it was trampled by the wild hicks in the trailor park nearby who had heard there was a sale at Wal-Mart, and then it exploded." Karl said in one breath.

"How are we going to tape our show now?" Solomon asked.

"With the power of our minds?" Karl suggested. "I DO have a photographic memory." Solomon raised an eyebrows. Karl closed his eyes and said,

"You have blue streaks in your hair, don't you?"

"Oh, THAT'S impressive." Solomon said sarcastically. "REALLY impressive."

"Heyyyy, girlfriends!" Nathan cried, popping up in a shower of neon pink flowers. Solomon hid the trashed camera behind his back.

"...Where did the flowers come from?" Karl asked.

"Oh, that's just my AURA, baby! It's so great it's TANGIBLE!!" cried Nathan.

"Why so happy?" Solomon asked uneasily.

"Because I live in full knowledge that we have a good, working camera and it's safe and sound and not a unusable hunk of plastic!" Nathan cried happily, skipping off. Solomon glared at Karl, who was twitching slightly.

AT THE MALL

"People are staring at us." Karl whimpered, hiding behind Solomon.

"Gee, I guess that's because you're a man WEARING A DRESS!" Solomon exploded, shoving Karl away. "Thank holy God we didn't bring Nathan..."

"Where do they sell cameras?" Solomon continued, while Karl sniffled sadly beside him. They walked by a group of teenagers who were hanging around pretending not to smoke pot.

"Hey, nice dress!" one of them yelled at Karl.

"Well, your mom!" Karl yelled back, still stinging from Solomon's criticism and this new insult.

"What about my momma?" the kid asked, stepping out of his group.

"You heard me!" Karl said. "Yo momma so ugly not even her Rice Krispies want to talk to her!"

"Ooooo!" all the kids 'ooo'-ed like apes.

"Oh, God..." sighed Solomon, dropping his head into his hands.

"Well yo momma so old she owes Jesus three bucks!" the kid yelled back.

"Ooooo!"

"Yo momma so stupid she studied for a drug test!"

"Ooooo!"

"Yo momma so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!"

"Oooo!"

"Yo momma so stupid, when a school bus fulla white kids drove by her, she ran after it yelling 'stop the Twinkie!"

"Ooooo!"

The kid fumbled for a moment and then ran away crying.

"Oh, yeah! Karl wins, bitches!" Karl exclaimed, busting a...move? All the kids cheered. Solomon sighed again and dragged Karl away by his girly hair.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Karl yelped. "Let go! Let go! Let go!" Solomon reluctantly let him go. They were standing beside the food court, where a familiar figure was sitting.

"Isn't that..." Karl began. "Oh Uncle Harvey! I've missed you!"

"No, idiot, that's Saya's chevalier." Solomon said.

"Oh..." Karl said sadly, shuffling his feet. "Uncle Harvey, I swear to the heavens above, I will find you!" He raised his fist to the sky and struck a dramatic pose.

"Oh for Pete's sake..." sighed Karl's Uncle Harvey, sitting on a cloud and playing a harp in the sky. "Give up, you stupidshit boy!"

"Look at him...just sitting over there soaking up all of Saya's stripper-tastic-ness." Solomon said, shaking his head.

"...Stripper-tastic-ness?" Karl asked.

"Yes! Stripper-tastic-ness!" yelled Solomon. "That's what I said!"

"Jeez...okay, okay..." Karl backed off.

"You know what I've always wanted to do to him?" Solomon asked. Karl's eyes bulged.

"I didn't know you swung that way..." he said uneasily.

"No, idiot! Listen!" Solomon yelled, beginning to whisper in Karl's ear.

ONE HALF-ASSED EVIL SUB-PLOT LATER

Karl and Solomon, wearing fake mustaches and pushing garbage cans, strolled around the food court, whistling a tune. They INCONSPICULOUSLY strolled past Haji and Saya, who were sitting at a table having their own personal little flashbacks.

"...And that's when I lost my virginity to a toothbrush..." Saya thought.

"...And that's when I used the toothbrush to brush my teeth that had been up Saya's...yeah..." Haji thought.

Karl and Solomon INCONSPICULOUSLY dumped thirty bucks worth of Red Bull into Haji's drink. He...didn't notice.

"How the HELL did he not notice that?" wondered Solomon out loud. "That was pretty damn CONSPICUOUS."

They moved to a position where they could watch...and wait. Soon, Haji had drunk his drink. Drinked his drink? Drinken his drink? Ahem. He poured it down his throat, okay?

Nothing happened for a moment.

Then, suddenly, crazed, high pitched laughter echoed all around the open area of the food court. Haji began to vibrate impossibly until he was only a blur. He bounced off tables and counters, mowing down the old and the frail.

His reign of terror ended when he exploded. Bits of Haji rained all over the unsuspecting people of the mall. One of his fingers landed in a woman's Wendy's chili.

"I'm suing!" she exclaimed.

"Oh...fudgernutters." Solomon and Karl said in tandem before racing off into the mall.

LATER

"I can't help think that we forgot something..." Karl said uneasily.

"It's just your imagination." Solomon dismissed.

"No! We forgot the buy a camera!" Karl cried in horror. They both fell over backwards and stayed that way.

"We are failures in everything we do." sighed Solomon.

"At least I still have my photographic memory." said Karl, closing his eyes. "Right, Amshel?"

Solomon shook his head sadly at Karl's stupidity.

AT HAJI'S FUNERAL

"He was a good man. Kind of brain-washed, sure. Kind of obsessed with pleasing me, sure. But no-one was as creepy and as slave-ish as he was, at the end of the day. Also, no-one talked less. And...had less emotion. The point is, our friend...what was his name again?" Saya said, standing at a black podium. Kai ran up and whispered in her ear.

"Ah, yes. Good old Haji." Saya said sadly, shaking her head, as Kai ran back to his seat.

"I thought he kind of sucked!" someone from the crowd called. Everyone generally agreed and went out for pizza.

AT CICI'S PIZZA

"Try our new selection! Pizza with...broken glass on top!" cried a pepped-up young woman in a Cici's pizza uniform.

"...Overdoing it?" wondered David out loud, as Saya and Lewis began to fight over the broken-glass pizza.

"Hey! This has rusty nails on it!" Riku cried unhappily, spitting out a tooth.

"Is this legal?" wondered someone.

"Is anything anymore?" someone else countered.

"This...this chapter is going to end now before it makes even less sense than it does now." said David, nodding and knocking out the author. He took her keyboard for good measure.


	5. Chapter 4

First of all, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who reviewed. I expected this story to be ignored, and for me to be dismissed as that crazy writing bitch. Thanks again, everyone!

Disclaimer: Blood + has not been owned by me at any time in my life. Which, actually, would have been funny when I was three.

**CHAPTER 4**

After the author had been revived, which was done by waving a brownie under her nose, and she had retrived her keyboard from under David's mattress, the story resumed.

Karl and Solomon snagged a camera from the Anime Dead Zone, and all was well.

Well, the wellness had to dissipate sometime, didn't it? All couldn't be well for-freaking-ever. That would be...boring. MORE boring than burnt meatloaf sitting in a small white room on a paper plate. Well, that is kind of amusing, but you get my point.

One day, a steady stream of attractive, powerful, and exceedingly stupid girls began to appear at the door.

"Who invites these bimbos?" Karl muttered, slamming the door in another's face. Her name had been...oh, what was it...Yuki...Yuki of the Moonlit Roses, or was it the Dancing Sakura Petals? Oh, nevermind. It was cheesy, whatever it was.

Shaking his head, Karl turned and saw Solomon standing slack-jawed, his eyes crossed unflatteringly and his arms dangling uselessly.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Karl asked. "I told you that meatloaf was bad. Who'd eat burnt meatloaf that was just sitting on a paper plate in the middle of a small white room? Hey, now that I say it out loud, that's a good metaphor for boredom..."

While he was rambling, Solomon had snapped out of his trance.

"I don't know what happened..." he murmured, shaking his head. "When you answered then door, I was transfixed by that stupid bimbo..."

Just then, the doorbell rang again. Karl sighed and yanked it open.

"Hiz, Im Cheri, teh sad, orfaned Prinsess of Sparkling Daffodils." said a smiling girl with long, lush hair the color of a...um...'sparkling daffodil' and eyes so deep and beautiful that one could fall right into them.

Karl immediately lost all sense of time and space. He couldn't look away from Cheri teh Prinsess of Sparkling Daffodils. Solomon stepped up to slam the door. Just for good measure, he opened it and slammed it again.

That felt good. So he opened the door a third time and slammed it, emphasizing his point than it needed to be emphasized. Before he could do this a fourth time, Karl grabbed his hand.

"I know what you mean now...it's like there's nothing else in the world." Karl said, shaking his head.

"Did you hear?" Amshel asked, walking up with a newspaper in his hand. "There was a mass breakout at the Mary Sue zoo. They all escaped." He began to read what was printed in the newspaper.

"'All canon characters are advised to stay in their homes and not answer their doors. If you do not take this advice, the following may occur: losing control of your senses, making a fool of yourself, accidentally marrying a Sue, being enticed to an untimely death by a Sue, and embarrassing, uncontrollable flatulence. Usually, these complex creatures are created to set their sights on one male canon character and bother him endlessly until he either commits suicide or commits homicide. All other male canons in the area will be safe if the Sue has not been ordered to love him fanatically. Also, if he is ugly, poor, or old, he is not in any danger whatsoever.'" Amshel read.

"Well, Amshel, you're safe." Karl said, patting him on the back. Amshel glared at him.

"Are you implying that I'm poor, ugly, or old?" he asked.

"Two out of three ain't bad." Solomon shrugged.

MEANWHILE (There's always bound to be a pointless 'meanwhile', isn't there?)

The obscene misuse of Jurgens Ultra Healing Lotion was being observed by Kai and Riku.

"You think we should tell him that it heals damaged skin, not the elderly and infirm?" asked Riku.

"No. This is even funnier than the time Julia had a staring contest with a blind hobo on a streetcorner." Kai replied, sitting down in a conveniently placed armchair and beginning to munch on popcorn.

Meanwhile, David was busy running around the nursing home and rubbing Jurgens on all the patients, crying in his best televangelist voice,

"You shall be healed by this most holy lotion, and when you are healed, you will say 'hallelujah!' and you will bow to the Lord, for He has made you well! Also, the less holy but also important mineral oil!"

"Sir, what are you--" a nurse began to ask, but as soon as her head entered the doorway, David slapped some Jurgens on her face.

"And, you, too, shall be healed and keep your firm body and mind! Hallelujah!" he cried passionately.

"Oooookay..." the nurse sang, retracting her head.

"The lotion will heal your very spirit and work miracles for your crippled old bodies! Amen! And then when you go to the heavenly above to do the Dew with our Lord Jesus Christ, you will be clean and shall enter unscathed! Praise the Lord!" David yelled, jumping up on a table and scattering the chess pieces that sat on it.

"5...4...3...2...1!" counted Kai, looking at his watch. On the count of one, two burly men in white coats burst through the door, holding a strait jacket between them.

"Satisfying every time." Riku said happily as the men wrangled David into the strait jacket.

MEANWHILE

"What wouldja do for a Klondike bar?" sang Nathan happily, beginning to eat his Klondike bar. Every non-ugly non-poor and non-old man in the house was going a little insane from being stuck inside for so long.

Solomon glared at him.

"I would kill you for a Klondike bar." he growled.

"Oooo, you're on!" Nathan giggled. "I would chew on Karl's underwear for a Klondike bar!"

"But I wash them with Downy!" Karl said sadly.

"I would cut my luscious hair!" Solomon said.

"I would burn 'Sexy Little Piece of Ass' onto my forehead with one of those things they brand horsies with!" Nathan cried triumphantly.

"Well...I would...um...grow a mustache?" Solomon offered lamely.

"Mustaches are very rewarding." Amshel said, nodding.

"You can do better than that!" Nathan prompted.

"I would...grow a mustache then let a high, sex-crazed baboon shave it...while I was naked and covered with whipped cream!" Solomon said.

"That's just not right." Karl said, shaking his head.

"It's not right that my African-American brothers are being stepped on by modern society!" James mumbled.

"Hey guys, I'm going out!" yelled Diva. They all immediately began to cry, except Amshel, who called smugly,

"I'll come with you!"

"You're such a ginger bastard!" Karl sobbed as Amshel put one of his feet outside the door, pulled it back in, then repeated this action several times before jumping outside and landing firmly on the ground with both feet.

"Look at me, I'm outside!" he cried. "Yippee!"

"...Yippee?" Solomon asked. "Well, we're stuck inside, but at least we don't say things like 'yippee.'"

"I do." Nathan said sadly. Karl patted him on the shoulder.

MEANWHILE

"Hi, Saya!" Haji yelled, popping up.

"Ahh!" Saya screamed. "HOLY LOAFERS! Aren't you dead?"

"Yeaaah, but what would Blood + be without Haji?" the author mused. "And besides, I want to kill him again. It was so rewarding the first time."

"Hey, Saya?" Riku asked thoughtfully. "How did Haji become obsessed with you?"

"Well, it started in kindergarden..." Saya replied. A flashback rolled in and bulldozed Riku.

"I HATE YOU SAYAAAA!" he screamed as the scene ran him over mercilessly.

In the flashback, a small Saya raced up to a small Haji, poked him, and proclaimed,

"Poked ya. Now you have to be my slave for life." The young Haji began to twitch and mutter,

"Saya..." to himself over and over.

"And that's how it all started." Saya said happily as the present returned. Riku nodded, his body encompassed in a full-body cast, his face bruised and beaten-looking.

"Saya, you didn't go to kindergarden." Kai reminded her.

"DAMN YOU ALL!" Saya screamed, running out of the room sobbing.

Everyone stared after her.

"Hey, know what?" Kai asked.

"What?" Riku asked, playing along.

"Saya is a funny name." Kai snickered.

"And you're an idiot. What else is new?" sighed Riku.


End file.
